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In no fewer than three sentences, critique the following paragraph. Explain where it could be improved. Then, in your own words, rewrite the paragraph to make its writing stronger. Make sure you include a hook, supporting evidence, and a topic sentence. Use correct spelling and grammar.

Learning to swim is one of my happiest childhood memories. The beach offers more than a place to develop strong swimming skills. There are many things to do at the beach. It is unfortunate that so many people spend every day indoors. More people should take time to visit their local beaches. I am glad I learned to swim at the beach.

Respuesta :

You did not say the many things to do at the beach and "I am glad I learned to swim at the beach", isn't important, but can be added. What else does the beach offer? Why is it unfortunate that so many people spend every day indoors? Don't forget to indent your paragraph!

     The beach is a place to relax, have fun and make memories. Going to the beach isn't just fun for children, but for adults too. For me, learning to swim is one of my happiest childhood memories. The beach was where I first learned to swim and created memories that I will never forget. The beach doesn't just offer a place to develop swimming skills. It gives memories to families that they will keep forever and a place for people to relax. Unfortunately, so many people stay indoors and watch TV, play video games and play on their phones. If more people would take their time to visit the beach, they would see that the world is just more than a screen.



ariandiaz14

Answer:

For a topic sentence, or the beginning sentence that signifies the main idea of the paragraph, you could focus on the fact that there are a variety of things to do at the beach (perhaps the 3rd sentence). To create a hook, or an eye-catching sentence, you can use the childhood memory of learning to swim, but perhaps in more detail. In other words, recreate the scene rather than just saying it was a happy memory (i.e. I'm five years old and am amazed by how weightless I feel in the water). Once you create the hook and topic sentence, you can talk about other activities at the beach as your supporting evidence.

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